NyctenFlam

All I have Learned and all I am.The Depths of mind. 

 Many times I have been told I think to much.

That i over analyse but this gift is also a curse. I have always formed bonds differently with people since

I was young. I was born differnt and mayhaps you too when you learn the secrets of the mystery around me 

will as well grow bored with me in time or mayhaps the other alternative I have seen anger. At first it

was just people were predictable, I can feel what they felt. Stir the winds to bring rain when we needed it,

turn the pages of the old latin book from the front row while the priest spoke to the people from it. Some

things just came to natural to easy as if I had always known them. To see them once is to imprint, to do 

what I seen in the imprint is to give it a meaning, something practical to relate it to, bind it to

and to repeat it is to master it as if I have always done it. I was 14 when things began to change, began

to become something more then just feeling where I could read people. Just know from the cold and restless

they were going to do something stupid that they couldnt take back. Three Major events happend when I was 14,

First you already know but you do not know why. Damien was a white knight he sought to save me and protect 

me from my father who spent the first 10 years of my life, actively trying to "make me survive anything this

world could do to me, or kill me to make it so." 2nd event leading to the first, I came back to my mother's

after weekend vistation with my father covered in solid black bruises from my knees to hips, Wrists to elbows

and cracked ribs. The cosortium for Domestic violence finally stepped in and brought in an FBI agent I have

only known as lance for the last 12 years.I would not leave my sibling behind while all of the courts, cps,

cops, judges the entire System tried so hard to give us to him. I would make sure they grew up normal lives

where they would become functioning adults in a society that would accept them. In the belief he had Failed 

me and in the death of his younger brother in a car accident Damien took his own life.I swore since I was a

child I would never become the monster my father was. Took 8 years with lance's help to unprogram pre-programed

behavoirs. The is the cold born with rebelious rage that surfaces and is smoothed out, something I have done

everything to learn to channel into productive means. With this control came more insight, the ability to 

get intial impressions of people, those who are dangerious and those who are not. Those to avoid and those to

see what happends when they get close. Until I get that "Feeling" about a person I am more then hesistant to 

allow them to get to know me. I have no secrets, all there is but for asking if you know the right questions.

At first when I was 14 I would get dreams, strange ones of those who had passsed, of events I later seen play

themselves out as if in DeJavu exactly. All in vivid colour, scents, sounds, touch, smells all as real as if

I were there. I began to study the history of everything. Every culture, civilization, Language, belief, practice

mysticism, alchemy, all of it I could get my hands on. the further back in history I went the close to some

key I got. I needed to see what they saw, feel what they felt, understand what they knew as to why that specific

mysticism worked for them. What imprint it had on thier subconscious to tap into the conscious and utalize what

energy they tapped into. I began to seee pattens, Everything in patterns. Everything with one main undertow 

that was connected in a web flowing fowards. I seen that each solid event was influnced not only by the course

of events leading up to it, but also this undertow of things it was connected to. The 3rd influence to determine

the events outcome was the influence of the people present. How thier preprogrammed instincts, thier basic reactions

thier predictable nature influenced the event. I started to comprehend things, the small pieces how they fit into

the bigger picture and to see both the bigger picture and the pieces at the same time let me know what influences

would create what outcomes. Chaos Thoery. To understand the basic human nature, preprogramming of peoples behaviors,

instinctive responses made these events predictable. Like tw. The more my interest grew in this pursuit to 

understanding, the less my interest grew in people. Most of them were like cattle lead along the same path from

birth til death preprogrammed all similar with slight variations. About the time I hit 9th grade i was studying

quantium physics, it's thoery, principle and application to the creation of the universe, as well as coupling it

with both the mayan and the egyptian belief systems in study. To imprint an image, give it meaning make it a symbol

of something it is given a name. This name holds the entire essence of what this item is,specifies the energy 

patterns with in it and makes it a source for that particular energy to be stored. To be able to Feel and see more

then just with the 5 sences. To Go behind the illusion we create of 3d images to the Liquid core of each individual

thing, passed the primordial waters of it to the very basis that makes it what it is. Chemistry Gave me a scientific 

view to put on it, the study of quirks and how they form energy field, individual atoms, Rna becoming Dna as they 

are put together. To create a particular element thru the patterns of quirks to create carbon instead of oxygen or

bond it hydrogen to create water. There began my study of metaphysics and alchemy. Alchemy is the use of material

objects and processes of creation and destruction to alter the patterns of Quirks or energy molecules and realign

them into a new substance. Metaphysics is the Study of these energy patterns and how they relate to each other

and the environment around them. The study of universe and the book just six numbers helped me understand the 

variances that determine the internal gravity of the Atom and how far it will allow the partical field to spread

around it. To alter the protons, nuetrons or electrons the Same basic values of electricity of all magnetism and

polarity depending on the strength of the field and spread of the atoms.The more densely packed the field the 

stronger and more solid it is, the more spread out the weaker and more air like it is. Thru manipulating these

fields with the bodies natural electro-magnetic field one can coupled with alchemy change or become in tune with

the environment around them. The more sencitive I became to the environment around me the more i could feel the 

changes. To trian the brain to interpriate these patterns thru a sence is both a gift and curse. It allows you

to connect to different patterns, differnt things, but it also makes it damn near impossible to Break that 

connection once it has been established. The 9 insights and the 20 universal laws of energy (axioms) became a

great guide on this Adventure. I began Teaching online courses my Sr year of highschool about metaphysics and 

the Mysticism of different cultures.

  As I progressed the Dreams changed became Different. I start running thru a house in the middle of the woods

where up can be down and down up and rooms lead to different rooms with seemingly no logical pattern. Something

in these Dreams was chasing me trying to kill me. I could feel it but not see it as I was hunted.The Dreams 

slowly began to progress, to travel thru electrical wires and feel as if i was electricity itself, to know

what it was like to fly and defy gravity. The dreams began to change til I had Three that Stood out the most. The

First I had awakened to find a wolf creature half man half animal outside the window and the knife rack on the

dishwasher and the dishwasher began to shake as the knives almost hit the wall time froze and I seen a train out

the window behind me, with generations thru the ages of the different gifted who were before me. Castle scene

of how they used to be taken out into the woods and thrown from a cliff. Dreams of a boy chained under water in

a murkey concrete pool and a group of 3 females clad all in black robes at a table not to far from it. On the Cat

above was a female at first her eyes closed laying on the railing as if sleeping. I told one of the females"thier

god does not forgive murder, but my god protects me from people like them" then I was on an intertube in the murkey

pool flowing to the ocean saying they could not reach me now. the woman in white on the Reailing reaching as if trying

to reach me. Dreams of a girl with a white glow around her sitting with her knees to her chest and nothing but death

and carnage even in the air for miles around as far as the eye could see. Dreams of half feline creatures with black

feathered wings on horses and being among thier ranks. The Dream that changed it all was the night after I almost

bled to death and I was in the old dojo pitch black you could not see and I was training in the horse stance 

instead of my normal crane, and I was shifted into a room into a body as it was slowly dismembered while it was alive

and I seen my own spirit reach out to embrace me as I woke in a cold sweat. From there it was a circle with a crimson

and gold thread and I was bound in the middle while they tried to keep me captive and I fought to get free.From 

there was the dreams with in the dreams, Waking from one dream into a next. Where in one I was captured and injected

with a lethal toxin to wake into the next dream where an old woman looking of slavic decent was holding a boys 

shoe and telling me her dead son put that shoe there to tell her something bad was going to happen. Upon entering

the building the entire one room apt was painted from celing to floors in blood. I awoke to something invisible

trying to kill my younger sister and I with it's claws shredding my flesh as I fought back to protect her. Woke into

my own paralysed sleeping body where I could see my own celing unable to move but could hear a cold almost metallic 

laughter before I fully came to the surface. Dreams of Wars btw things that look human but can do things that no

human could possibly. One Race of these creatures trying to befriend me who was at an old park from my childhood that

could step between realms of reality. The Other Race trying to enslave the first captures me for torture and the

first race believes me to be a triator to them when I escape the 2nd race with those who were hostage. I am held

 with claws at my throat by one of the first who was trying to win me over as a mate til one of the younger ones

step forwards and lay claim to betrayal as thiers. Dreams of learning languages I have never heard of but can speak

now. Later to find the language to an ancient culture I have not yet looked into. Dreams of seeing Ebony libraries 

that Reach the sky of obsidian glass and silver floors. Fountains of crystal that flow upwards and luminate a light

all of thier own. A chamber of 27 energy crystals and one in the center of the ultimate power source that can be 

tapped into. Later to find stories of these places and 3 walled pyramids in egyptian Texts and mayan texts of crypts

they are uncovering. 

  I used to draw up plans and blueprints of houses, magnetic genorators that ran on flowing water with a pump and 

tubing to return it to the main reserviour that were self sustianing and provided electricity. The earlier creations

of these were successful. Plans to create underwater, in space and in air cities all self contained and radiation

safe. The many Scientific research papers for the cambridge university books used to bring in a good deal of money

to cover the costs of everyday living. Back in 1997 I helped my grandfather put this house in, wasnt much at the 

time but a trialer on concrete with piers. Later we built an addition on it 20x70 all completely hard wood celeings

and floors. These 5 acres became a home where we didnt have to move around alot anymore where wasnt a new school and

new people and new house every couple of months and my father perminantly lost visitation. Was a new start from the

hell that was once all I ever knew of life. Yet, it felt like a cage and I felt like I was always being hunted by

something I had to evade.I started Study under a local practioner in the natural arts and under the local shaman 

of the cherokee Tribe as my grandfather had insisted. First full circle Gathering when I jumped out of the tree I had

been perched on the branch of to get a better look I was Named NightCrow.  gv-na Ko-Ga, born on the 10th day of October

on thursday under the new moon. (Du ni nv di, Nv-gi-ne-i-ga -nv-do u-s-di-a)At this time People of any type were a

threat, all outsides were to be kept at arms length by any means nessicary. I was dangerious at that time, skilled

in 3 martial arts forms( basic mantis, crane and Jujitsu) and had manditorially learned 3 weapons of choice. The staff,

the Throwing blade and dual wielding blades. In my attempts to Control and quell this inner rage I honed it, made it

sharpen began to shape it and give it a purpose. I started my study into the arts of filtering out the broken energy

patterns (Reiki) and mending them. As I progressed the natural talent I began to see me then the intentions, nature

and feel more then just the emotions of people. There was something more air like shadowed in each of them, a collection

of everything they had experienced. I called this their library, I could feel it, touch it, repair it (Chios healing),

a no longer practiced art of Reiki because of how dangerious it is. I begin to learn all the symbols that people place

power in now adays from the pagans, neo-pagans, Masons, illumiati, Satanists, Christians, buddhist, Doaist, Toaist,

Order of the Ottoman(OTO), thelsmic orders. From the mainstream beliefs to the modern old code beliefs carried down

by underground followers of ancient ways. I studied all thier practices and began to see how they fit together, how they

all were mearly pieces of something more. Some bigger picture I was beginging to Scratch the surface of. I was provided

all the resources I needed to continue my studies for years. Access to the greatest Vaults in libraries and museiums,

to translate ancient texts and documents. Climate controled places where even the air itself and light is controled

and filtered. Places beneath Great churches with books as thick as filing cabinets hand caligraphied, searching for

some key that put it all together. The hunger itself to absorp more, to understand more became a great pursuit thru

the years.On the other hand I was taught the apothicary and natural methods of healing my shaman counter part in 

lost nation which is now strip mined of trees and bares little resemblance to what it used to. I learned how to heal

with plants and stones. How colours and music effected the mind and changed the patterns or mended broken patterns

in people. Every shamanca when they come of age has to take the vision Quest. To go into the Deep woods where the

compass just spins and cattle can get lost for days because of the iron ore deposites screwing up the polarity of

North Vs south. A Place where everything always looks the same. To me Came 9 totems or animals of power which would

lend me thier knowledge and guide me on my path. First Came the Raven- The Keeper of all Universal Laws and the 

barer of barrier of the ancient secrets, the Judgement. Next Came the Crow- the messenger of the inbetween, between the

lands of the living and the dead as well the keeper of Justice and order. Next the Dragonfly-Weaver of Dreams into

reality and the keeper of the dream realm. The butterfly- The Weaver of metamorphasis and keeper of Evolution. The

Jaguar- The Great huntress of the forests and jungles and keeper of the natural order. The Coyote- The Tricker of 

all and the keeper of life lessons learned the hardway.The snake-Transmuter of all poisons and Keeper of the healing

practices. The Wolf-Protector of the Pack and family keeper of the cause.Finally Came the Spider as shadow- Weaver

of the web of life and keeper of all things that are connected both material and spiritual. During this Time I took

up 3 practices from each spiritual leader. Egyptian rune readings, numerology(bio mapping) and Myan Astrology from

one side. From the other I took up 3 what were concidered Darker art. To Read the energy imprints left behind of 

those who came before and see what they saw, To call forth energy patterns from these imprints and to imprint objects

of my chosing with these energy patterns so they would be drawn to them to linger. As the years passed there was 

many imprints of those before that I wrote the lives of, learned the secrets of and began a new aspect of gaining

knowledge thru this ability. I sought a scientific concrete understanding to these things, unable to believe on 

just experience alone, no matter how correct they were when I reseached these individuals later to confirm or not.

No matter how many came to me to teach that I just knew the answers with out knowing how I knew them or How many 

confirmed what I saw cause they seen it to. In my mind these were all Fabrications that I needed a solid proof,

something concrete and solid that thru the 5 sences I could tell myself this wasnt all Just one Large Lie I had

been Told since I was 16.  My belief that True faith in anything will manifest it has been proven time and time

again. I Went into 100's of supposedly haunted places, but only one proved results. Only with camera footage and

off the charts radiation on a spectrum of colours with solid read outs.I Sought proof and proof I found and then

some. Everything in the world around us emits an energy, a series of colours that with a finely tuned camera can 

capture on film. Everything living emits a high frequency sound vibration that can be recorded when then you fine

tune a radio Device to a tape player to record it. Each Colour, sound, energy has a specific unique pattern that

can be mapped and studied. Several of the research papers to cambriage university of these studies proved useful.

The ability to Study Cells and replication, to alter the length of telemeres(fabric like strands that as they shorten

determine the lifespan of cells) to replicate stem cell growth.The Research of William Reich and the orgone 

generator to absorb multitudes of different energy patterns and emit one complete pattern. The Research of Stephen

Hawking and blackholes and universal creation. Coupling metaphysics with chemistry, alchemy, physics, Earth science,

Human biology, Anatomy I began my research into psychology. The Depths of human mind and soul itself looking for

the last key to understanding the picture that illuded my grasp.Human became a research ground to understanding 

the Various genetic, environmental, Parental, societal, Relgious belief and personal Acceptablity programming each 

individual person experiences that Forms their nature and habits. That which Separates the preditors, the Prey,the

Stupid and those who wish to be led. 

   I turned 19 before I had any interest in males other then as one of the guys, which never really worked out as I

was different from all of them. Yet, at least I held alot of same interests as they did. I Was 16 When I met my first

Girlfriend, at the time she was the only one not afriad of the monster I was. Self destructive as I was at the time,

she was manulitive and just as dangerious as i was in. In time even she feared me. I was Raised the first 10 years of

my life with a high code of behavoir and Expectations unreasonable to even to the Very essence of perfection and nothing

was good enough. Every little thing had a flaw that was exploited and used against me at every opportune chance that

it arrived. Attachment to anything was forbidden and was destroyed as soon as it was learned of. From toys, books,

living animals drown. I was 22 when my girlfriend called me up and told me she had gone out of her way to Destroy

anything in my life that could in anyway become more important to me then her by any means nessicary. Stating several

attempted relationships she had purposely sabatoged so my trust would be broken and going as far as stating certian

circumstances of a previous suicide she had pushed an individual to. I told her she was dead to me and if she made

her presence known in any way I could not simply over look she ever existed to begin with, The worlds worste sociopath

would look down upon her unidentifyable remains in pity. and hung up. Took 2 bottles of everclear green lable in under

an hour and 3 days throwing up blood to come to terms with myself. I was 17 When I walked out of my mother's house here

and moved to Pa. I Had a live of my own, A club I used to Dj at on the weekends and dance. Mix between middle eastern 

belly dance, Egyptian ritual snake hips and pheonix rising as well as modern Day liquid Rave. I Worked for Proctor 

and Gamble at the time. Started out as an online crew doing restock on the lines and making sure the machine had glue

and boxes, managing a 6 man team of hispanic origin individuals to do quality control and restock.I took an interest

in process tech work from my previous Job in Ny where I ran an entire Production line. Starting as a machine operator

where I could time the machine to produce twice as many parts for cars as anyone else that were free of defects from

learning how to fix and adjust the machine. All the hotstamping, mold work, quality control, Packing, parts prep and 

packaging came in handy in this new job. I Excelled quickly and Was transfered to an online hualer position for scrapping

soon I was running the industrial bailer, industrial glue machine, training online haulers, working with the P&G

process techs to keep machine up and running as well loading, unloading trucks, shrink wrapping product. Wasnt anything

in the plant I couldnt do from running a forklift and loading Agm on the conveyer with it to the night shift manager 

work. I worked Djing and Dances on my 2 days off. After 2 years striaght of this and setting money aside I collapsed my

immune system entirely workint 14-16 hours days and 6 on 2 off. I watched my life there burn to the ground and came back

to new york after my roomate had pulled his .45 on me stable as an earth quake fualt and we tempted fate. My response

was asking him if he could pull the trigger 2ce, as fast as I could cut his throat with my blade. He decided he didnt

want to find out. Back then I ran a pack so to say of about 20 people in a halfway house where I did counciling and

rehabilitation for Domestic Violence Victims. The Police officer who liver down the street used to bring eggs and milk

every morning. when I returned to NY, I got hooked up with a modeling angency out of the Job fair at the Local mall. I

Earned a good Keep For Doing modeling profiles as well sci-fi magazines and cloak and dagger magazine. I took a Job 

Helping run a photography Studio that handled all the local modeling portfolios as well as local advertisements for 

the upcoming bands and performances. The modeling expo in 2002 where the car I had pulled the Tarp over many years before

and left in the garage with a letter and a spare key in glove box was brought to the expo as well the yellow prototype

2 design I had been working on back then. Was modeled kinda after the movie back to the future with a few of my own

adaptations built from the frame up. The showroom guy has tracked me down to the modeling convention by the name I had

signed on the letter and wanted pictures of me with the car I had built. I walked away from modeling after that to keep

the demons of the past from knocking on my door. A friend of mine at the time hooked me up with a frieght shipping company

and I become the business owners personal assistant doing everything from book keeping, to ordering, all of the online

program work orders, Pick ups at the local airport and arranging transportation with our Drivers as well as thier schedules.

I handled everything from air billing right on down to the basics of being a currier to peurto-rico for plane parts in 

a backpack with a passport I updated recently For time sencitive material that had to be hand delivered. When I found

descrepancies in the books and illeagle activity I was asked not to return to work. My grandfather when I was 16 taught us

how to run the heavy machinery from backhoe's to crawlers, the loirane(crane), dumptruck and the basic landscaping 

equipment.He Taught us Plumbing, woodworking and metal working in workshops, how to Arc weild to fix things. How To do

Construction from scratch, to build a building from the laying of the concrete up. How to bluebrint what your building

to keep the design fresh and how to do all the electrical to make it a house.The proper way to paint it so it lasts

and how to upkeep the pond so no leaches and we could fish and hunt. How to clean animals for the freezer and how tom

make shoes and gloves from it. To lay carpets and build shelves and book cases, picture frames and bird houses. How to

grow a garden every year from scratch and weed it to keep it growing,to harvest it in the fall. My grandmother taught

us how to can food, how to bake from scratch, Cook a 4 course meal, set a proper table, proper upper class ettiquette

and decorum as well as how to cook, clean to a shine, sew, cross stitch,embroider, repair cloths, crochet and everything

a female is expected to learn.My grandfather was killed in an accident that the government spent 2 years trying to replicate

ANY single part of the explosion and could not. He Died in 2001 in the hospital one week after the explosion. 

   I started my study from the martial arts and the Zen(philosophy) of it as Taught by Bruce li and passed down thru his

students. My kioshen in his attempted to Quell my Rage at 16 taught me 3 main martial arts forms, thier katas and 3 main 

weapon forms of my chosing. From this I expanded my studies into taoist alchemy, the alchemy of the body, mind and energy

to transform ourselves. Studies into Sexual alchemy, tantra, pressure point systems from martial arts, massage therapy,

the kama Sutra, and exstencive research into BDSM led to understanding why myy prevoius sexual experiences with partners

had failed and led to no interest. This wasnt because I was Attracted to females and lesbian as I first had inquired into,

as females had the same result as males. They only suceeded in frustrating me and being unable to finish that which they 

had started. My encounter with 4 main 3 way relationships helped broaden my understanding of myself and what indeed I was

looking for.From David and Leah our female pet, to Asalith and his Wife as a submissive, to Josh and Victoria as thier

Switch and Finally Paula and bobby with bobby as our boyfriend all on equal grounds. All four Were BDSM lifestyle oriented,

(Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadist, Masochism)With the holding of R.A.C.K.

    I Started a Free Form Role Play back when I was 14 to escape my thoughts and become someone else for while. In Turn it

became a tool to help people.To create controlled real life Experiences in a game with all the outcomes and to help teach

healthy decision making abilities, problem solving skills, Trouble shooting as well as the healthy formation of relationships

and bonds.Even here I realized I was a bit a different and the bonds that were established in and of themselves went deeper

then comprehension. The ability to feel from a distance what one is feeling, going thru even if you have not spoken in weeks

and they log in and you ask them in detail about it. Or Seeing places where people live in dreams to describe it to them 

later. To know things about peoples lives and see things about people no one should ever really know. To look into the eyes

even in a photograph an read a person in thier entirety and tell them all the details. People come to fear you, people come

in a sence to respect you and other just avoid you. A Rare few see it as a gift that can be used to help others. Over the 

years this ability was honed and focused to help the people who need it the most in my Search for the one person who will

be able to form that bond with out being consumed by it. Who can Read me as I do them, Feel me as I feel them. Know me as I 

know them and not fear me for me. I also Started going to mideavil reanactments with an organisation called the Society for

Creative anacryonism or the SCA. This can be found at SCA.org . I picked up the trade of learning astrology as well as the

bardic art of singing. The ability to story tell in song and move masses of people to tears, laughter, Joy, peace. The gift

of healing thru music which had been a passion of mine since I was a cub. To sing. I Started the Game Perfect world

International in Closed beta when I offered by a friend of mine in the FFRP. I created a barb named NyctenFlam, The Shadow

Fire. After Beta Ended and was released the toons were all rolled back and NyctenFlam became NyctenAeyr the shadow warrior

where I perfected the pure Tank build. I have been playing him for 4 years, almost 5 now if you concider closed beta. THe

holy blade, Plume tower, dragon City and The Lost City were the First major Cities. From there Came The Floating city now

called 1000 streams, The burning lands, City of Dreams, Port of DreamWeaving, Nightscream island. Moon City and Twilight

cascade are now Lunar glade and Twilight Temple. I used to run table top dungoens and dragons, Vampire the masquerade,

Werewolf the apoclpsye, Mage the ascention and play Magic the gathering. I was looking for a Key between the human mind's

Psychology of Creating pseudo realities and how it can be used to help people in Real life from a distance with out getting

too involved in thier personal lives. 

    My Main Study became Sciences of all sorts,psychology, religion, culture, archiology, marine biology, biomapping,

Mysticism of every sort, languages, cultures, civilizations and every aspect of thier Daily lives and how they evolved

from ancient civilization to modern Day. Governments, politics and how they related to the literature, arts, religions

and Daily culture. The More I looked into each Different aspect and seem how different they were, the more I seen the

patterns over lapping of how they were all the same. When I was young before I hit 20 and had the biggest realization

of my life when I nearly bled to death, I was more animal then human. I would seek out people who were destructive, people

who would harm others just for the sake of the enjoyment of it, who would abuse, torture, manipulate and destroy people

from the inside out and I would let them get close to me, attached to me. Then I would make them experience what they had

put other thru and make them see exactly how much damage they done as a whole to everything. Back Then I had no emotion,

I was a cold, calculating, preditory creature who was that bad thing that happend to bad people, I was the judgement and

Justice for the innocent. With the belief that all life was sacred and to treasured and that innocence was something to be

presevered.The Transformation and Realization started with I was 16 and the couple I was staying with that were practioners

and my mentor had serious medical conditions and I was helping raise thier 2 year old soon ricky. When I taught him to be

gentle with the cat and pet it, to kiss it on the nose before his father had gotten home from work and I took my breather

to the park to think and sit on the swing. Upon my return this small child ran up to me laughing and wrapped his arms

around my neck as I knelt Down, kissing me on the nose and stating. "we kiss da kitty on the nose" It was but one moment in

time that Stopped Dead and begun a series of events That was metamorphesis of who I am today. It is the Living proof that

Our history and our pre-programming, our childhood and everything we are Taught Does NOT determine who we are. Our Past is

the ghosted mirror shattered in which we see the future. We Can choose to learn from it and build an empire from it's 

fragments or we can choose to cling to it and let it bleed us dry. I still have my dark days where I can feel the silence

around me and how different I am from others, How alone I am and can be if I let myself. Even a room of crowded people. I

Still have my Dark days where all I see if the burned ashes of the past when I tried to cling to the little light in the

Darkest deepest Hell that was created in the evil of all mankind. The Dark Days where my pristine photographic and ideatic

memory reminds me of all I have lost in reflection on what once was. Where the crystal Snow at 14 Was forever Stained a

crimson and the heart of a young Girl was broken in unrepairable ways, leaving it's mark. But That was then and this is now

and it makes me greatful of everything I DO have, Of what I have built for myself and everything I have Accomplished in 

these many years that no one can take from me. Reminds me of everything I have learned and honed and every moment that I 

am here that I am alive. Though I am Not alive but i am not Dead.I am existing inbetween it all watching and learning as

the time passes seeming to change everything around me, like It has stopped for me. From the Very Bio-rythms of each human

being intune with thier environment and the changing seasons, moon phases,sun variances. All the different energies every

day each individual person is influenced by and influences as they come in contact with it. To the basics of how the mind

percieves all these things, these interpritations of the world around them constructed from the preprogrammed set of relations

and concepts of bonding. How things interact and form connections that is the very web, the very fabric of humanity itself.

AS above so below as stated in the emerald Tablet. The patterns of simple cells are the same patterns in seeds are the same

exact patterns in the stellar constellations and the interaction of planets and galaxies. From the Formation of stars to the

basic evolution one celled organisms into complex beings. It Is the exact same pattern. The Spiral that formed all Life

itself and is the Fabric of Existance as we know it. The Meaning of LIFE is simple. We life for a total of 3 seconds in the

Darkness and the imprint of everything around us forms a million moments where the ticking of the clock stretches out. In

that time in between is life. Our FLesh is born Dead or dying, Decaying, destructing entropy. To Find the Equalibrium in all

things and the meaning of life. Yet, it is simple. To Live. To Just be in the moment as you are who you are. To BE in the

Here, NOW, in this moment and just live.  

The philsophical theme of hellraiser is that of meeting your demons face to face and overcoming them. To look your fears in the eye and either surcumb to the tortures of your soul or defeat them.The quote "If you are afriad of dying and your holding on, all you see if devil's tearing your life away,If you've made your peace the devil's are really angels  freeing you from the earth." proves this to be true. This quote means, if you live your life in fear of what you will lose then all you will choose to see if what you are losing or what you have lost becuase you are clinging to tightly to it. If you have accepted that things will come and go then you are not tortured by remorse, regrets, guilt and loss, becuase everythin gyou lost has taught you something. Has in some way evolved your thinking and ascended you to a higher awareness. Until you come to realise that the material pursuits are that which is lacking and it is the spiritual that is important. Then you leave behind your old self of materialsim and can truly live free of demons, who were there mearly to teach you lessons. Indeed thus angels in disguise seeking to free your soul from the material clutches of starvation and feed it with knowledge understanding and meaning to things so you may live.  Each hell created by pinhead or the engineer as he is refered to, is a self creted hell of self punishment and torture from the demons one has created. the inncoent are safe becuase they have no self created hell or demons, so he cannot unlock that door in thier mind for them to face it becuase  there is no door. the puzzle box is symbolic of the mind, and opening it, is the opening of the subconscious mind so that it may communicate with the conscious it's fears, tortures and torments. The engineer is our self created judge jury and excecutioner, and how thru our experience we strip away the innocence of our childhood. It is also about learning to overcome our demons and self torture and ascending above it thru self acceptance and willingness to forgive onesself. Pinhead is only as cruel as we are that unwilling to forgive. The people he tears apart are symbolic of we ourselves tearing our souls apart with our fears, desires and longings and regrets. In the begining of the series the female females responsible for her family being torn apart figuratively and blaiming it upon her step mother. Pin head takes this personification of her self hatred and self anger and puts her guilt and her fear of her uncle frank as well as her knowledge of the affiar into the forefront for her to death with . During this peroid of time she comes to forgive herself and realise it was the affair and not her, with the unresolved fear of uncle frank who she wittnessed murder her mother as a child.
      This is illuded to in both the first and 2nd movie. "Pin Heads quote of "To some we are angel's to others we a demons. Having them experience boundless pleasures and pain so that they may understand the other's pure potentiality." In the second movie the theme is deepend further when she is made to face the loss of her father and the unresolved fear of her uncle. This movie takes you inside the cube or in some ways inside of the mind, where some embrace thier demons and ascend into becoming one of them and others learn to overcome them. The quote "the mind is a labyrnth ladies and gentlemen, a puzzle and while the paths of the brain are plainly visible, it's waves deceptively patterned, it's destinations unknown. It's secrets remian secrets. And if we are honest with ourselves it is the lure of the labyrthn that draws us to our chozen field, to unlock those secrets. Other's have been here before us and left us signs, but we as exploreers of the mind must devote our lives and our energies to have gotten further. to tread the unexplored cooridors in hope to find the ultimately final solution. We have to see we have to know." this quote illudes to the fact that the puzzle box is the opening of the mind to face ourselves, our secrets, our fears and our demons. It shows us that while we may be able to see our patterns of behavor and reaction, actions, words beliefs. Things that produce tangible results, the deeper subconscious reasons behind them, our secrets so to say remain unknown. Why we Do what we do, The why in itself is unanswered it is the final solution we are thus looking for. It is that labyrnth of our inner self of our secrets and fear that compose who we are that we are in search of. We are looking for ourselves to understand ourselves. Others have asked these same question of why, why are we here and have tread the path and only were able to go so far but one step closer to the answer. As the explorers of self we thru our compulsion to understand our hunger for knowledge and our curiousity of that unknown are driven to the labyrth. In the 2nd movie the inside of the puzzle box as a giant maze or labyrth is show to symbolise the many paths of the mind. the doctor thru his obsession not only brings back the haunted past of the girl from the first movie whom he has spoken to that haunts his mind with questions, but also uses a completely mysterious female who's case haunts him because he cannot reach her. in his pursuit for answers he has her open the puzzle box for him. The quote"It is not hands that call us but desire" spoken by pin head proves this to be true. The doctor thus exploring this mysteries are consumed by his demons and  embraces them becoming one of them. The msyterious girl who opened the puzzle box is meant to face the fear of what had happend when she was a child in witnessing her mother's death and is able to over come her demons and make it out of the puzzle box. Thus out of her mind and overcomes her demons while helping the main charactar face her fears and demons and overcome them. Thus showing we can turn to others when we need them the most to lead us out of our dark places and sometimes we need a helping hand to show us the way.In this movie pinhead or the creation of him is exposed and personified as a man who had embraced his demons. During the time the girl from the first movie is in her old home of her father, she helps him to face his demon and overcome it, thus ascending and returning to his human appearance. The doctor now having taken over the role desides he wishes to run the position once held by the old soldier and kills the centibites who are made to remember in a moment of compassion that they indeed were once human, proving no one is beyond reach when they are returned to thier human forms. The Doctor now consumed with his obbsession and his demons is torn apart by them leaving the evil of the soldier trapped as a separate entity in the form of a statue. Signifying that though the demons have been overcome from time to time they may still rise to haunt us as shown in the last seen of the movie with the pillar rising from the floor. The girl solves the puzzle of the puzle box thus closing it and the two females return to a normal life with a deeper understanding.
   In the third movie a young reporter meets a young girl who lives in a world consumed by her own fears and her desires as she seeks companionship and love in all the wrong places.She meets this young girl in the emergency room as a young male is torn apart by his demons.Thus proving what the mind believes to be truth thus manifests itself in the material form. The reporter is haunted by the loss of her father before she was born and the questions of how he died and why he was taken from her. She is haunted by her fear of failure as a news reporter. These fears thus personified thrut he demons created by pinhead in the middle of the film that chase her thru the streets. The gentmen who owns the club and buys the statue of the demons with the puzzle box in the the side of the statue. He is consumed by his lust for desire itself and for power stemming from his fears of being alone and his insecurities.He is presented with with his past of killing both of his parents out of his loneliness and rage of seeking the acceptance and support they never gave.Caring more about each other then him as thier child. In such he embraces his demons when he is given the choice and invites the young girl now living with the reporter who is trying to solve the mystery of the deaths and the puzzlebox, looking for the story that will make her career. The young female is given a choice to confront her demons and face them or to embrace them and be consumed by them. She chooses to be consumed by them taking the final step of being the excutioner for the young male who had made the same choice, thus sealing her fate. The reporter is confronted by her inner self who guides her to returning the evil that has been unleashed from the statue, or the devil in the hearts of men and breaking the cycle of evil people do. She is confronter with her fears and failures and haunting as personified people who are now celibites and thru facing them she is able to bring forth the root of the problem. Being her recent awareness of the evil in hearts of mankind,or pinhead in his true essence. Thru confronting him, she looks into herself seeing her own wrongs bringing the realization and acceptance of herself. Thus remeshing the duality of good and evil into one form where there is still a choice of which to choose and facing the reality of th world overcoming her own hauntings and thus sealing it back into the puzzle box.
   In the forth movie the male who is the main charactar is haunted by the sins of his family and the sins of his bloodline, in symbolic reference to the the first sin of man kind. That sin which brought evil into the hearts of the world. During his flashbacks you come to realise the creation of the puzzle box is and his family's company is mearly that of greedand lust for power, wealth and wemon, thus building it on the bloodshed of innocent people. He seeks to right this wrong thru facing his fears and creating the box of light or a giant puzzle box in space. This in which he opens the puzzle box or his mind and faces his fears. His family has passed down this haunting demon that of which is seduction thru fantasy and the promise of power as well as lust. This movie shows the duality of manipulating people into doing things. Either by willful seduction or thru the instilling of fear as well as the pros and cons of each method. Thru facing his fears of losing his child and the fears of fialure as well as his guilt for the innocent blood spilt. The demoness presented is symbolic of Lilith the first female in the gardian of eden who was caste out before eve was created. The duality of adam vs lilith